I know that I need help. But it seems that even if I am crying out for help, no one helps. Even when I seek out help for myself, no one comes to the rescue...
At one point in my life, I helped myself. I overcame my own demons. But I feel like these new demons are bigger than what I can handle myself. So I prayed. I said, "God, I need you to help me."
But what do you do when you pray and feel no surge of strength? When you hear nothing? You ask for just a spark of encouragement and hope, and you are instead faced with a sickening silence...
This is where I'm at, kids.
I'm sure it's a test of some sort, but still...couldn't I get just one thing that makes it okay? Just one thing that makes all the crap tolerable? I feel like the negative is slowly overpowering the positive. And it's sad. I can see it happening, and I feel as though I am powerless against it and completely unable to stop it.
But somehow, I keep going. Even if it's a mess, I keep going. The only bit of hope I can manage to see is that someday, I'll walk through the mess and end up in a place where it's all okay.
Sigh. This is really a depressing post. But I just keep to write more, even if it's depressing stuff. It's better than keeping it inside these days.
Which brings me to another thing...I have a lot of things that I keep inside. I don't talk much anymore. And when I do, it's not easy. I have to battle with myself to say anything, because I feel stupid when I do. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and like the scum of the earth when I talk about any of it.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, God." --quote from Invisible Monsters.
But I am. I am sorry to my mom that I am pretty much a huge disappointment. And I'm sorry to God that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the blessings that I could have attained by now.
I need to just stop talking again.
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