Testing the SMS feature on here. :-)

Hello, Tiffany. It's been a while.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) [this is one of my favs]

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

I am not going to claim that I am a good person.

I have my demons. And I have to live with them, everyday, just as we all do.

But I definitely see how I will always be able to get through it. With the Lord always in my heart and in my mind.

Not just sometimes. Or when it's convenient. Or when it's easy. 

No. Especially not when it's easy.

And hypocrite that I am, I realize it. I admit it. But some random events today have really shown me that the Lord is always there. And he can be in any place. Even the places I least expect to be able to find him.

And I am working very hard against my hypocrisy . With God's help, it'll be just fine.

But anyways, back to what lead to this moment.

First, the Mormons. Then, the conversation afterwards. Finally, the homeless couple.

This is an epic tale, that is for sure. 

So first, I let Kev take my car to work today at 1pm, since I found out that I actually didn't work today. :-) Yay! I stayed at the house and was basically just hanging out with everyone. Well, I guess these Mormon's have been coming and meeting my good pal (under the alias of "David" lol). For the purpose of this, we'll call her "Lily." Well, Lily has been meeting these guys, and she has been listening to them because ultimately, they think it's a bunch of crazy 'bs' and wanted a game to play and have a good laugh.

But you know what, it was interesting. Perhaps not right on thier part, but I'm glad it happened that way.

Now, what I expected was a bunch of silliness, but they were polite, courteous, and respectful.

I'm talking about Lily and another friend who was listening to the mormons...let's call him Trevor. There weren't being rude or disrespectful even though they thought it was a bunch of balogna. They listened, they asked questions, but they also prayed.

Now, Lily and Trevor seemed to be genuinely curious about a Mormon's explanation of Mormonism. And to be honest, I was curious too. But I was just sitting there working on my term paper (this is a shout out to Dr. Mac) and kind of absorbing what was going on rather than actively participating.

As Lily and Trevor actively participated, I passively absorbed. And something came over me...this weird idea...

"I've known these guys for a while now and I've never told them about the Lord. But here are 3 strangers, telling them."

Ouch. Low blow, Jesus. But I get it. I should have been on top of this...

But I couldn't shake that thought. It started eating away at my head until I couldn't just sit and do my paper. (Sorry if you are still reading, Dr. Mac. Henry Purcell's almost done! Lol.) But before I could react to it and do something about it, the Mormon's had to go, and the buzz about theology was starting to lose interest among everyone. But one thing stuck out. Trevor said to pray for him. And it seemed to be a serious request. So, I said a breath prayer and began a discussion with another person, we'll call him "Derek."

So I start talking to Derek, because he said that he hated religion and one time he talked a man who'd been a Christian his whole life out of being a Christian. So we talked. He posted his points and I posted mine. It was a good talk. I laid out my testimony.  It was absorbed and respected. And when I was done, another thought hit me.

Here's this kid I barely know, and I was able to talk to him about my faith. See? It's not as hard as you make it out to be...”

Alright, alright. I know you are right, Jesus. --rolls eyes.-- Lol.

I should probably not be rolling my eyes at Jesus. But it's kind of annoying that he's always right. Lol. Jk. 

So I decide right then that I am going to be more active about things. Things have been so crazy lately, God's kind of taking a back seat in my life. And that is VERY stupid. Seriously. It's just plain stupid on my part. 

And so finally...the temporarily homeless couple.

I'm sitting here, talking on the phone with Jess (cuz we were talking about all this stupid drama I seem to have landed into again) and there's a knock at the door. So my friend answers it. And it's a woman talking. She talked for a minute and was asking for help...and then my friend hads her $5 I think and then she leaves. 

But my gut was like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get your butt outside right now and talk to her!”

So...by this point I'm like, okay. Pretty much anything God says to my heart at this point I'm like “Yes, sir.” Cuz I've just gotten my butt kicked with His spirit. Lol. 

So I go out there and talk to her. I got a basic jist of the situation. And as I listened to her, my brain was like CALL RIC. NOW. 

Her husband had been talking to the people in the house next door, so she said she was going to go over here while I made a quick phonecall. So I call Ric. And I know that God had me do that because it's part of the learning process. I'm never going to get expirience in this stuff if I don't get myself INTO this stuff. Ric gave me some advice, and from there I did my part. :-) Just a little guidance and I was good to go.

So the lady came back over, and I asked for her information. Name, her husbands name, a number I might be able to contact her, and the address for the new appartment.

Then I tried to get a better idea of the story. I tried to keep an open mind, and a quick breath prayer of “Okay, God, walk me through this. I've never actually done this part of it before.”

This woman and her husband were set up to move into their new appartment tomorrow. But they didn't have a place to stay for the night (I don't know why, I didn't write that part down. But it's not important.) So they went to the Lighthouse Mission to try to stay for just one night. Well, they were turned away because they had previously stayed there a while back and had not completed a program there that they were supposed to complete, so they weren't going to let them stay.

So then they went to the Bethany House. Well, no room in the inn. 

Oh btw, this chick is also 12 weeks prego. Little Christmas reference for everyone who's in the holiday spirit. Lol. Jk.

Anyways, so the Bethany House turned them away too, so they went to the Regency Motel to see how much it would be to stay one night in a room. They were told it would be $50.

So they basically just started walking around trying to find someone to help them. Going up to doors and asking for money to help.

I know what everyone is thinking at this point. SCAM. And you are probably right. However, that doesn't change the fact that there was still a pregnant woman and her husband who did, in fact, need a warm place to sleep for a night. Regardless of whether or not they were abusers of the system or whatever, they still needed help. 

So just as I was getting the rest of the information that I needed into order to get something taken care of for them, the neighbors came over and said that they talked to the Lighthouse Mission and that they were going to make an exception for them to stay the night. 

But while we sat on the couch talking, it came up that I went to church. And she seemed interested. And I told her that if she wanted somewhere to go to church, I'd be happy to bring them to the Journey, my church home. She said thank you. 

So, in a few days, I'm going to follow up with either a phone call or a visit to the address of where they are supposed to be moving in to tomorrow. And maybe it won't go anywhere. But I am not going to be able to learn how to help others if I don't at least try. 

God puts things in front of you to prepare you for the other things he has in store. Maybe God needs me to help some people. Idk. But whatever it was, he's put this couple into my life for a reason. Either to teach me or for me to help them out. Idk which. There's really no way to know other than to just dive into it with God in my heart and hope that it'll work itself out.

But what compelled me so much to write this down was NOT really the situations themselves. 

It was the fact that I am currently in my own storm. I'm having to deal with something that I haven't had to deal with for several months. If you are a close friend, you know the situation. If you are a close friend, don't bother asking. The people who know understand. And that's really all that matters.

Psalm 107:23-32

Some went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. They saw the works of the LORD, his wonderful deeds in the deep. For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. They reeled and staggered like drunkards; they were at their wits’ end. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea[b] were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

But the point was that in the midst of my own storm, in the middle of my own struggles and drama, God can use me.

For about 20 minutes, that drama that had been eating me up all night was completely gone. It wasn't even a thought in my mind.

God could calm that storm. And I am completely rejoicing in that right now.

The point of this being that we are not called here to deal with be completely ate up with ourselves and our own drama and issues.

We are here to bring glory to God and serve people. Period.

With my head back on my shoulders and out of my butt, I can get back to just being in the world and not of the world. It's never easy, but it's good to know that God loves me so much that he'll kick my butt when I truly need it.

<3

It takes a LOT to get me to feel the need to vent anymore.

But I really need to get just a little bit off my chest. 

I feel like for the first time in a very long time, I will not sleep tonight. Not because I am upset or sad, but because I am just stunned. I forgive you for your lies and your hate. For your mean names and your bitter remarks. And I forgive you for being afraid to forgive yourself. I truly hope that one day, you can learn to overcome yourself and your hate. You think the world is out to get you, but really, you just want something to blame...and for that, I am very sorry.

Took that picture of you

out of the frame

and laid it to rest.

Took that butane

out to the porch

and let it flow.

Took that lighter

out of my pocket

and lit up that rainy night.

I watched as it burned from the outside in

and the last thing it destroyed was your heart.

And in that moment, I knew there was truly hope.

---[ the end. ]---

I feel like this was far too personal...but sometimes that's what it takes to make oneself feel better.

Super Depressing. Please don't read. Thanks. :-)

It's kind of dumb, but I feel like even writing a little bit is better than writing nothing at all. So I will do what I think will be most beneficial. 

I know that I need help. But it seems that even if I am crying out for help, no one helps. Even when I seek out help for myself, no one comes to the rescue...

At one point in my life, I helped myself. I overcame my own demons. But I feel like these new demons are bigger than what I can handle myself. So I prayed. I said, "God, I need you to help me."

But what do you do when you pray and feel no surge of strength? When you hear nothing? You ask for just a spark of encouragement and hope, and you are instead faced with a sickening silence...

This is where I'm at, kids. 

I'm sure it's a test of some sort, but still...couldn't I get just one thing that makes it okay? Just one thing that makes all the crap tolerable? I feel like the negative is slowly overpowering the positive. And it's sad. I can see it happening, and I feel as though I am powerless against it and completely unable to stop it. 

But somehow, I keep going. Even if it's a mess, I keep going. The only bit of hope I can manage to see is that someday, I'll walk through the mess and end up in a place where it's all okay. 

Sigh. This is really a depressing post. But I just keep to write more, even if it's depressing stuff. It's better than keeping it inside these days.

Which brings me to another thing...I have a lot of things that I keep inside. I don't talk much anymore. And when I do, it's not easy. I have to battle with myself to say anything, because I feel stupid when I do. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and like the scum of the earth when I talk about any of it.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, God." --quote from Invisible Monsters.

But I am. I am sorry to my mom that I am pretty much a huge disappointment. And I'm sorry to God that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the blessings that I could have attained by now. 

I need to just stop talking again.

Henry Purcell

So, I have to write this term paper on Henry Purcell. And I chose him because I enjoyed his music. But I am starting to think it was not the best idea. Because apparently his early life is not really known, there are just assumptions based on other random records and accounts about what his life MIGHT have been like.

Like they aren't even sure 100% who his parents were. Let a lone where/when he was actually born.

Which is neat and all. Honestly, I think that's kinda neat that he's a mystery. However. It makes it REALLY hard to write 8-10 pages about him without boring my audience to death.

I suppose it could be worse.

That is all, I just needed to vent a little bit about Henry Purcell. He's awesome, but perhaps not the best choice for a procrastinator like myself.

Take care,
Tiffany

First Blog: Why I Am Uncool.

I just spent 3 hours trying to write something cool about why I am uncool.


<3